Monday, March 6, 2017


Let me speak plainly to insure that I am fully understood.
I've noticed that my words and/or actions (at times lack of words/actions)
has been misinterpreted.  Thenceforth, I find myself having to explain myself.

First off, in my youth and even to this day, I have made sacrifices and decisions that go unnoticed, unappreciated, and even twisted to be made as something that it wasn't.  To those who implore those tactics, more power to you.  For I will not, nor attempt to defend myself.  I know that God truly knows my heart.

Now when those hard decisions and choices were being made to my own determent and to the benefit of others, I did not complain nor throw it into to the faces of the benefactors.  I just kept pushing on and attempted and still attempt to be the best Man that I could be.

In my own admission, I walked away from many seeing that the disrespect and coldness towards me had grown.  Instead of defending myself or fighting for what I knew to be my truth, I allowed the talebearers' falsehoods to appear as truth.  This, through the years, allowed hurt, broken relationships, disrespect, and distance to fester and grow.

I clearly see the pain that is felt.  I even understand the loss that is attributed.  However, I also notice that no one has taken the time to come to me and ask me about my truth. Therefore, I believe that conclusions have already been made.  Instead of spending ample time explaining all the situations that came to this instance, I choose to move forward and live my life.  They can believe what they will and live how they like.

Again, I say,

Only God truly knows my heart.

So, paint me as vile person and others as saints...
See only the negative, nothing positive done...
only the "he ain'ts".
"he doesn't", "he won't", "he doesn't ever come".
Explain others faults as me being the one to blame.
But know this, not once did I ever run.
I would speak my peace, (While being called out of my name)
I would tell my truth. (And still, the lies wouldn't change)
I would make the hard and difficult choices... (So others wouldn't have to)
even if that meant that I wasn't able to do what I wanted to do.
Nor have what I wanted to have.

And regardless of all this...
being easily replaced,
constantly disgraced,
and disrespected to an extreme.

I still love.
I still care.
I'm just going to do my own thing.


Sunday, February 26, 2017

I'm wiser

They say that it's the ones closest to you that can hurt you the most.
Well, I believe that those are the same ones that can bring out the worst in you.
However, I've been keeping my inner rage in check, but believe me it's been
begging to come out.
Especially when my character, my veracity, and manhood is challenged.
Being the man of extremes that I am, I can not afford to just haphazardly react.
Every reaction must be a well thought out move.
For, I know, that the consequences are great.
I guess wisdom does come with age.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

This I Must Say

All and all it's been a good life.
Ain't had all the money
Or a bunch of shiny things,
but been blessed with a loving family
And a damn good wife.

Hardships, had more than a few.
But the good times, let me tell you...
They sure did pull me through.

The Lord always provided my needs.
Even raised me up strong...
I was the one that did all the wrong.
That I truly believes
And I learned from my bruises.
This I knew, it's never too late to get down on my knees...
And He'd pick me back up...
And I... my pen... and my soul bleeds.

Prayerfully, encouraging you
and a select mindful few.
Coherent and observant enough to enjoy the beauty of life.
Not the distractions of the carnal world,
but the natural world, like the sun rise and set, and the morning dew.

Living can't be bought,
but it sure can be enjoyed.
Don't spend your life chasing that which will rust and disappear.
Enjoy your family... kiss and love on them.  Cherish them.
Hold them near and dear.

Live a life creating memories,
stories for the future to hold.
Live a life giving love.
Success is just a marker along the journey.
It's family taking care of family,
no matter what...
That's the goal.


I tilled my field,
planted my seed,
the harvest was and is plenty.
And my belly is full, my family is kept...
Job well done my son?
May the good Lord say, "yep".


Monday, January 16, 2017

Growing tired

Same games,
same silences,
same unfulfilled hopes,
same unanswered prayers,
and same unmanifested dreams.


Monday, December 26, 2016


Realizing that time is an elusive foe.
Unable to grasp it, bribe it, or for the loss of better words, persuade it.
I found myself seeking a higher power.
The one who created it, time that is.
Asking Him to help me in this time controlled world.
Only to find that my requests were going unanswered.
Leaving me to the wiles of time,
only to grant me pain, sorrow, a plethora of regrets, and calling them wisdom...
better known as age.
Struggling in areas that before I did with ease.
Cautious of movements, because I am consequence aware, that...
at times, no movements are made.
Given the vision of seer, but not of mystical intent.
Just the beauty of age that allows empathetic conclusions.
No longer does the magic of hope hold its luster.
For it only delivers the dependable disappointment aftertaste of dreams long lost...
and plans unable to be achieved.
Distractions are all I have to look forward to.
For when the cataracts has been removed from my eyes...
and I'm able to regain focus, it is them, the distractions, that always remain true.
More powerful than my will,
more clearer than my vision,
more pleasurable than my touch,
more alive than my life...
And although imagined, never manifested...
they always manage to keep me right where I wish to grow from.
All the meanwhile time continues.
More age is gained.
If it isn't, death is granted, and a unfulfilled life is achieved.
Time, what a terrible enemy.

Enemy... Strange word.
En e me.
Inner me.
In my head, not real to touch. Something that I relinquished my strength to,
making it more powerful than it is.  Weakening my spirit, corrupting my soul,
making me less than what I was designed to be, because I relinquished my control.

And still, the great God, who created all that is and ever was.
The knower of the beginning from and to the end.
Knew this struggle that I am in and He allows it to be.
Knew of the financial battles that I would and do face...
and, at least in my limited sight, victory seems afar.

Patience, I tell myself.
Endure, I remind myself.
It's only for a short time, I say.
Soon, it will all turn around.
Then, time takes all that away.

Time, what a great and formidable foe.


Saturday, October 29, 2016

How Did I Get To This Point?

How did I get to this point?

Mental delusions that come to lustful conclusions.
Desiring to drink from my own well,
but physically impotent regardless of the medicine I've been using.

Somewhere along the line, I got lost.
Mentally tossed from this to that.
At one time my walk with the Lord was so strong...
Now, I don't know how to get back.
On track.

Imagine that.

Demons no longer pursue me.
They found me...
wishing to ground me...
For no reason at all I find my heart pounding.
Fear is compounding... and my strength...
is fleeting.  It's beginning to be reminiscent of the wind...
Something that I feel, but unable to grab.
Leaving me in this weak state that I'm in.

Tell me...

How did I get to this point?

I hear the chuckles and giggles of old friends and passerby's.
Lovers that once adorned me, ignore me,
and at home, where it should get  better, I'm fed lies.
Another part of my heart, no, my soul dies.
For I cater to her needs, add to her things that she may flaunt.
Yet, none of it matters because I can't deliver her wants.
Having me question my manhood.
I'm telling you, it isn't all good.

How did I get to this point?

I know.

I've allowed the illusion to become my reality.
The distractions captured my attention.
My journey almost a forgotten mission.
The clanging of the world over-ride my Guide,
making it difficult for me to listen.
My soul being fed garbage,
my spirit malnourished,
and brain to focused on the physical,
and in this battle,
spiritually inefficient.

So, in this weak state...
being this broken man...
being this lost soul,
and almost believing the lie that I'm doomed to be damned.
I cry out unto the Lord;
for it is He that remains constant.
Only I am in disarray.  I surrender all that I am...
                    or thought that I ever was.
To be nestled in His bosom,
lead by His hand,
encompassed with His purpose,
spiritually fed through His wisdom,
with the understanding that I, by His grace,
through all things... can stand.
Especially when empowered by the true...  I AM.

And this is how I will move on from this point.


Thursday, October 6, 2016


I'm at a age where the magic of the world is beginning to disappear.
Where love is dwindling and faith in people...
Well, let's just say it doesn't live in here.
In here, being my being...
My mind, soul.
It's quite honest to say that my spirit is focused elsewhere.
The wonderings on and what could possibly make me whole.
My purpose if you will.
My creators perfect design of life and in it where I fit.
And if... this existence that I contain is all that I'm left to live.

In my youth, hope and the possibilities of the life to come
kept me motivated, invigorated, and in anticipation.
However, those days are long gone.
Life has showed me my mistakes
and no matter how much time has passed...
from certain things, life refuses to let me move on.

Still, as dreadful as my life has become...
Uneventful and boring.
I find peace in knowing that all of this...
regardless of all of that...
will one day be done.